Theology and Literature Journal 2 (Bee Season): Miriam's (and Saul's) Breakdown and the Doctrine of Grace

[From my last post: Saul's achievement based doctrine of election, where you have to have the right type of achievement, the right kind of intellect, or, in my case, the ideal physical type seems rather conditional. How can God love an all good creation if humans must earn the attention of a parental Creator? An overextension of the doctrine of election seems to violate the doctrine of grace. ]

It's not as though Saul doesn't have any unconditional love (he's the one bottle-feeding his children) but he doesn't seem to be able to show it when they're consciously aware of it. Infants can't assimilate or reciprocate unconditional love that they don't intellectually understand. They may need and react to it, but it doesn't stay in their conscious understanding (of their parents) as older children, unless it's continuously reinforced. Also, is it really about grace and unconditional love if providing for one's family is a part of Torah Law, just as is true of proper observance of Shabbat? Does it count? One would hope grace will be better demonstrated later, before the family reaches a breaking point. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen:

"I'm so sorry," he whispers, moving to take them both in his arms, but Aaron is all motion, his palm slicing through the air to slap his father across the face before his long legs propel him from the table and into the hallway. Eliza can feel her father's arms crushing the dry shell of her body, can feel herself disintegrating in his grasp. He holds her so tightly she can feel the pulse of his veins, can hear the tide of air feeding his lungs. Somehow, when he asks her if she is alright, Aaron's hand outlined in red against his cheek, she manages to find the strength to tell him what he wants to hear.

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By this time, Miriam's illness has been exposed, and her children know that something is wrong, even if only in passing. Their mother has come home dirty and disheveled, clearly "not herself", as much as everyone has been trying to ignore it. As her world unravels, she has pushed her husband further and further away, first out of the bedroom, and then finally by pushing him physically.

When his home life starts heating up, when even the children are becoming something other than his fantasy, (indeed, the prospect of either of them becoming their own person scares him, think of his use of the words "cult" [which has heavy connotations, personally and otherwise], and perhaps even more terrifying "just like your mother"), Saul breaks down completely. Although he promised himself he would not repeat his father's mistakes, would not force his children to think the way he does, in practice he has. Aaron warns his sister to really think about spelling, and whether it actually what she wants. This is important to discern because "Daddy" (her plea) can be quite (in his words) "convincing".

For Saul's part, he wants his son to "know the truth" even the painful truth about his mother. He is so adamant about the truth being told, both about Miriam (although he can only refer to her as "your mother") and about spirituality, that he does so quite ungracefully, without pausing to consider Aaron's reaction. He seems to forget that Elly is in the room as well.

I find it ironic and incredibly telling that the moment the characters are at their most angry, broken, and vulnerable, that the most amount of grace is apparent. Saul is finally able to express his love and anxiety for his children. He is finally able to express the enormous truth that even though he may have "no idea when or if..." normal is going to happen, or what life is going to throw at them, he is still going to try to be there (for them), standing among the "... shattered glass [and] the dripping of water...", loving them anyway. Spelling bee champion, or not. Aspiring rabbi, or not. Sane, or not. Kabbalah or Hare Krishna. He is going to love them.

Aaron immediately seems to know that Saul will fail to live up to his dream, and squirms out of this mirage of familial unity with a slap. Elly, too, seems to know that much like her Hallmark commercial visions of father/daughter kite-making, this is more about Saul's romantic version of things working out, than it is about her actual emotional state. Therefore, this is not only about Saul's attempt to finally show grace to his children, but about Eliza ministering actual grace to her father by "[managing] to find the strength to tell him what he [needs] to hear"
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Final thoughts based on Tuesday's discussion: I think it's possible to be insane and insightful, to yearn, be driven AND be totally wrong. Even be borderline (or not so borderline, depending on how you look at it) abusive. Does that mean that everything they experience and contribute is discounted? Discarded? Okay? Does having a condition like mental illness (Miriam) or an addictive personality (Saul) exempt a person from grace or election? What does that mean in terms of our doctrines? Where does it stop? More importantly, what does it mean for those of us who have been informed and formed by those on the edges of sanity? How much of the woman who " has always been a stranger" is in Elly, and how much second guessing should she be doing about recognizing Miriam in her reflection? How much of her formative experience (especially spirituality) should we question or render invalid?? How much of her personhood (as a child of or image of God) do we de-value, dishonor, and destroy in doing so? Speaking from experience, if we confront Elly (or Aaron, for that matter) about mentors' relationship and interactions with the divine being WRONG, we are very likely to elicit a reaction more like the one Saul receives during the argument about Chali. Acceptance (of grace) will be a difficult process; perhaps even cyclical.